| i took a shower, shaved, whitened my teeth, put lotion on, and took a laxative. I feel a little better. Things are beginning to feel out of control, just like my eating. I have lost count since I last cut, but it's been a few months. Every now and then a thought of blood or blades crosses my mind but no urges come. School starts in about two weeks, I got all my financial aid and tuition paid off for this quarter, but I have yet to get my books. Really need to get on that. But money for the books would come out of my pocket, as always, but what with moving out and everything that comes in that package, I would love to get my books magically paid for some other way. I could get my parents to sign this parent plus loan, but I'm not sure if they are up to that. My worst fear about the moving out will definately come true, it's comfirmed, when I do move out. I broke the news to my parents last week and they said they are okay with it and won't try to make me stay, but everything is being signed over to me. So in addition to the things I pay for now, I will pick up rent, utilities, car insurance, health insurance and my phone bill. I'm not worried about the phone because the plan I want to go with is approximately $60 a month which is about the average of any phone service around here, for the features I want. I already pay for my car, but it will then be in my name. The only part that slightly scares me, is that since the money for the car has come out of the savings account I can only put money into, I have let some week here and there pass, with enough money being in there, cuz sometimes dad forgot to take the money out. So it will just become a matter of upkeeping a bit more on that. Last week Eli, Bruno and I sat down, figured a rough estimate of what we would pay each month and it looks like we might come up a bit short. Which leads to my next dilemma. Currently, I make the most out of us three. We had enough to cover rent and our car payments. (I only included car insurance because I don't wnat to not have it, health insurance I want to see how I can get it through somewhere like my job or school) So the solution to the problem is that mostly Eli needs to get either a second job or a better paying one. But I myself do as well because there are a few more things each month I will pay for than those two will. I have an interview tuesday at a nursing home. The position I applied for the place trains. And two of the girls I've talked to from my school that also hold these positions make at least 9 or more an hour. That's better than what I make now. With this job, I will also hopefully get some job experience hours that I'm sure will be needed somewhere along my schooling path. My other problem within this all is that I don't want to leave my current job. I know for a fact I will need the variation between wwork settings. So I'm trying to balance time for school and homework, my two jobs and a bit of time for my social life. I know time for that will lessen with school, but I don't want it gone. I;m really glad Robby is so flexible. I don't know if he knows how much it means to me. Like it's literally bringing tears to my eyes as I speak. Up until him, the few guys that came along never understood my busy schedule and it seemed like I would never get an understanding guy who could be my boyfriend. But with Robby I feel secure and confident enough that if I had a hectic week and didn't see him much that week, that he would just be there, and not try to make me more stressed. I feel in my heart that I don't need to see him every day to know we are good, to not worry he would leave me. I don't mean to sound like I won't see him much, I just know that if something would come up, and had to be somewhere or do something, he would understand. I'm hopin with the moving out that it will also help because I won't have to worry about finding time in the day to see him. He can spend the night or stay late, if I happen to be gone all day. I love him so much and he means practically the world, well, he's everything to me. I couldn't ask for anyone else. I'm so head over heels fifty times in love with him and I double bloody pinky promise that. So, what with the job situations...between the two jobs I want to not lost many hours that I have at Jack's, and I would be so freakin grateful if jeff would let me take two of my closing shifts and instead work a 9-5 one day. I want to keep my sunday shift and probably my Saturday. I don't want to go back to working 9-5 on saturdays because the 5-c gives me all day to do homework. My tuesday shift is out of the question, I have to say goodbye to it because I'll be in class all day. But if I could take the wed and thurs closing shifts and make it a 9-5 (don't really want to do it on monday but that may be my only option) and then work 3-11 at the nursing home, maybe friday too, I think it would work and I could make enough to move out. Crossing my fingers and trying to not freak. I have to hang in there. my eating has gotten out of control. The old scale says I'm 90, but I sure don't look it or feel it. I'm bloated and am just stuffing my face all the time. I want to go for a long run or something. |
