| It's just been not a good week. And I'm sick of people. I don't even want to go into detail as to what all has happened cuz I'm so sick of it all. I feel kinds depressed and don't want to do much of anything. I just want to sleep. I don't want to eat. I really would like to go weigh myself by the way. Last night I was watching Degrassi and a girl was burning her arm. Maybe I'm not completely safe from cutting. It was almost a trigger. I really want to cut now. |
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| So I'll let the champagne numb the feelings tonight. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm just feeling down. I had a few good days this week where I felt hot and confident, but today as a total self-esteem killed feeling day. I feel fat even if the scale said 93 this morning. I hope that even though it read 95 an hour ago, that it'll be down again in the morning. I feel ugly and worthless. I don't know why I get to feeling this way. And I don't know what to do about it. Lately I've just been kicking myself too much and just wanting to escape in the easiest way possible from my emotions. I might as well start crying a river. |
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| First note:
All I want to do is show you I love you,...and because of this freaking UTI, I can't do anything physical. And I know that the physical stuff isn't always what matters, but I can't even kiss you passionately cuz I know it will make us just want to have sex and I can't have sex with this damn infection. I feel like there isn't anything physical I can do that shows love. I could hug you, but it would have to be for a long time. That's what wrong....I just want to hold you close and kiss you and feel you next to me, making that bond that only we can make.......but I can't. And it hurts inside so badly. And I feel so disgusting. And pathetic. I can't even pick things up cuz I don't want to burst a kidney. Idk if they aren't swollen anymore.
The onlu upside of this whole damn thing is the medication takes my appetite away and I've lost weight which makes me happy. |
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| i've never done this bad in school ever. idk what my prob is. and im so stressed out from everything. im exhausted. i've barely slept this week and feel like i'm in a daze. i want todo better. i want summer back. i want to go home, drink some alcohol, do some taebo, take a sleepin pill and just sleep the day away.
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| I should be workin on my take home test but it's all i planned to do today.. and i have til 4 to work on it. plenty of time as it's only ten. but i miss....being....anorexic..i mean i still feel like i'm not skinny enough but i don't follow the lifestyle i used to. i'll shove greasy foods and everything down my throat without a second though...most days. i don't have control over what i eat. i even make time, i fucking make TIME to eat. what has happened to me? im not in control anymore. i pulled my jeans on this morning, granted i am wearin leggins under them but i had trouble bucklin them. and all i could think was gosh sarah you're getting fat again. but what did i just do? i ate a fucking bagel...that's at least 300 calories. i need to start countin again. when i stopped is when this all went downhill. i miss not eating and feeling so in control. even if the day was bad i could look in the mirror and say, well you only had 500 cals today. and you didn't gain a pound. i still am horrified at the fact that a few weeks ago, the scale actually said 96...96! oh my god. i haven't weighed that much since before i began cutting. i mean these days i don't eat like a whole ton but doesn't mean i'll pass stuffing half a pizza in my face. and then not worry about it. i felt so successful being anorexic. i didn't care what people though because even now a days people say i'm too skinny but they don't say anything because there i am stuffing my face in front of them. there are just days i don't eat much because i'm simply not hungry. but i even saved money being anorexic cuz it's so much less bough food. i even startedthat fitness class and ahven't exercised but like 3 times. let's start today off better now. and i'll be alone all day so there will be no one to force me to eat. if i am hungry, there are salads. for now, i'll keep my mountain dew because i don't feel like being miserable. but i'm counting the bagel as 300. it's an average of all bagels i've seen. and if i have salad, i'll know the cals from the package.
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